I was recently surprised to discover that I am jealous of divorced women.
Let me clarify that statement: I am jealous of financially solvent divorced women.
I know that chasing a deadbeat dad for child support is no picnic, and many female heads-of-households fall into poverty, and even homelessness, due to losing 50% of their financial security.
I don’t envy those women. No, I mean women who are making as much, or more than, their husbands when they get divorced.
Hell, sometimes these women are even better off financially. If hubby has an expensive hobby, an addiction, or makes bad financial decisions, sometimes women are economically better off with less income once they are legally separated from their ball and chain and he no longer has access to the joint account.
And of course, I’m not oblivious to the grief of genuine heartbreak and broken dreams. To put it mildly, it is no fun being physically separated from someone you love. Or to love someone who doesn’t love you back.
But imagine, if you will, strong, independent, professional women who have initiated divorce with a joyous heart, a yearning for freedom, and the ability to pay their bills.
This is what I envy:
- Divorced women aren’t responsible for every facet of their children’s lives. For God’s sake, every other weekend, they are on freaking vacation. Twenty-six weeks a year, they get to take a weekend trip, read a book from cover to cover, take an uninterrupted bubble bath, and have a guilt-free Girl’s Night Out, all while basking in the knowledge that their children are spending quality time with their loving father. It’s an unbelievable bonus for doing the right thing for your children! You have fewer responsibilities – because Daddy now does half, something you know damn well he wasn’t doing before – and the children now have more quality time with both parents! It’s a win-win for everybody!
- Divorced women go on dates! They get their hair “done,” shave their legs, put on lipstick, and go out! They get to go to fancy restaurants and flirt over a glass of wine. If they’re lucky, they still get butterflies on occasion.
- Divorced women do less housework than when they were married. Think about it, one less person’s laundry means less towels. One less person to cook for means fewer dishes. One less person leaving their dirty socks on the floor means less to pick up at the end of the day. Sure, you’re the only adult around to walk the dog and take out the trash, but that’s better than having to repeatedly ask someone else to do it every night. And if your kids are old enough to take on some of these tasks, Score!
- Divorced women do not have to ask anyone a flippin’ thing about what they do or don’t do. They can choose to purchase a new comforter for the bed without a committee meeting. They can paint the dining table blue. They can buy a pony! They can do any damn thing they want to do and there is no one around to judge them. Divorced women receive more compliments and less criticism.
- Divorced women do not have to have mercy sex when they are tired or not in the mood. A divorced woman doesn’t hurry to bed and pretend to be asleep before her husband gets there in order to avoid the inevitable negotiations – “tomorrow night, I promise.” Divorced women can have orgasms every night or go for months without and there is no one to consider but themselves. And when self-love and sex toys are not enough, there’s always that date on their off-duty weekend, and when they don’t want that one around, they can send him home.
Sure, my reasons for envying divorced women are tongue-in-cheek – or are they? I wouldn’t really want to be divorced. I love my husband and we love our child as a family. There are many more pros than cons to being married, but every once in a while, after a long day or an annoying verbal exchange, I imagine what it might be like to have 26 weekend vacations a year. I’m just kidding. Or am I?
P.S. Renea is married to a wonderful man who never leaves his dirty socks on the floor and always takes out the trash without being asked.
(Artwork provided by Jo Moss, Sister-in-law of one of our writers, and can be found and purchased at http://www.jomossart.com/illustration )