Terror in the Toilet

Spork Cartoon

Every couple of years (during election cycles), there seems to be a national panic over some life-altering threat to our very “existence-as-we-know-it.”

These threats pop up overnight and disappear just as quickly. Like tornadoes. They seem to stay on the ground just long enough to distract people from whatever the hell is really going on at the moment.

Remember when we were all going to die from Ebola? You probably don’t since you haven’t heard about it since the last presidential election. One day, Ebola is looming over the country like a giant swarm of death bees, then, all of a sudden, they disappear in a cloud of smoke, like a magic trick.

Now, overnight it seems, there is a new threat to our life and liberty. I call it, “Terror in the Toilet.”

My main question is where the hell have all these trans-people been hiding? There are apparently enough of them causing mayhem that states have to pass legislation to protect ordinary citizens from the threat that they might see one in a public bathroom.

I’ve met two trans-people in my entire life and I happen to know a lot of weirdos. I’ll bet 99% of people worried about a penis in their potty have never even seen a trans-person.

It’s like all those handicap parking spaces at Walmart. If every single handicapped person who can drive showed up at the exact same time, there would still be too many of them.

There just aren’t that many trans-people either. If we made transgender-only public bathrooms, the toilet handles would rust before some of them were ever used. It seems that no one really knows how many trans-people there are, but it is estimated at less than half a percent of the population.

And they have just now become a problem requiring the time and energy of state lawmakers, while gripping the nation in a paralysis of fear? They were lying low until the time was right to strike, I guess.

Besides actual trans-folk, who are deliberately presenting as a different gender than the one they were born to, I wonder about the people who simply “look” different than their gender, regardless of their sexual preference, what about ladies who look masculine or men who look feminine?

We’ve all seen a person and we weren’t quite sure “what” they were, right? Remember the ambiguous “Pat” from Saturday Night Live back in the ‘90s? Where should Pat go poo poo?

I, personally, know two different married, straight, anatomically correct (I assume), biologically-born women who look like men in drag. Not by choice, they are just large ladies with masculine faces and man-hands.

So are we supposed to accost people who don’t look like their stereotypical gender norms and insist on seeing their prizes and goodies before we allow them to use the bathroom?

Are we going to have a gender-version of asking a woman who is not pregnant when she is due?

I say, all bathrooms should be unisex. As human beings, whether black or white, gay or straight, or any other version or variety, the one thing we have in common is that we all pee and poop.

So, I say, live and let live. Go and let go.

Let’s stop this “terror-in-the-toilet” in its tracks right now!


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